I'll have a #3, DeLuxxe Sized

I have had a lot of requests for this paper, because I had to conduct a survey for it, and those people wanted to see how it turned out. Knowing I'm lazy and forgetful, I decided to just throw it onto a blog and so anyone could read it at any time. It is a little long, but it was a final paper. Going into this final paper, I had earned a B, but the teacher enjoyed the paper so much, it pulled me up to an A-.

I do have to apologize right now; I know some of you have read the subject matter and believe/hope this will be vulgar, unfortunately it is not vulgar. This was written for English 391 at BYU, so it was written with education in mind. Enjoy:

Rules of Urinal Usage

The greatest teaching opportunities come from the times of greatest awkwardness and vulnerability. One single place causes more vulnerability, and awkwardness, than any other. Talk of bathrooms receive gasps, or giggles, depending on the audience. For men and boys, especially, the bathroom can take on a new sense of vulnerability. From these circumstances of vulnerability, and awkwardness, came some of the strongest rules in male culture. Because the rules of urinal usage bring comfort into the lives of men, and help them avoid awkward situations, the rules continue to be adhered to today.

When bathroom stories are told, the situation seems to always show the vulnerability of the person in the story. In Gabrielle Hansen’s folklore project “Missionary Bathroom Stories,” Hansen says, “This being the case, the cramps seem to be accompanied by a feeling of helplessness." This feeling of helplessness typifies the struggle that people go through every day in public bathrooms. However, there are differences of vulnerability between missionaries unable to get to the bathroom, and men at a urinal. The physical difference is the difference between internal and external conflict. However, the folklore aspects are completely different.

As returned missionaries, mostly South American missionaries, begin telling mission bathroom stories, they are marked by an obvious one-upping quality. As Hansen says, “It appears that there is no purpose other than ‘one-upping.’” Quite to the contrary, the rules which have been created, and adhered to by men for decades, have a variety of purposes. These rules organize, reassure, and give comfort to men in a situation of great vulnerability; the necessary usage of public restrooms.

Interestingly, no manual exists to teach men the rules of urinal usage. Mothers usually don’t understand what happens in a men’s restroom, so they are not able to teach their sons. Where, and how, are these rules found in society? When I asked people where they learned these rules, I got some interesting answers. My friend, Tory Schoonmaker, told me, “They are never really told to you, you are born with these rules instilled into your mind.”

The magnitude of the urinal usage, within folklore, seems to be overflowing. In the United States, an entire set of rules exist; a set of rules without a rulebook, an authority, or a ruling body to enforce these rules. Also, there is no formal teaching of these rules; yet, a universal set of rules seems to exist. These rules have been passed by word of mouth, but people won’t even admit this. No one tells where they learned these lessons. The closest thing we find is parents teaching their kids how to use the bathroom; wash your hands, and put the seat down. But an entire culture exists out there, and they don’t even know it.

No single feeling exists to describe the mental state of men when using a public restroom. Because the bathroom is so “off-limits,” many men find the restrooms at work to be an asylum from the outside. At the Home Depot in Provo, Utah, the men’s bathroom has adopted a mascot. The Doo Doo Goblin (see Appendix 1) resides in the second stall of the men’s bathroom. One day he appeared, a couple days later he was gone. However, the day after he was removed he returned; evolved (new forms included knights, business man, or the Doo Doo Monster, all of which were doo doo dressed up). A single employee at the Home Depot seems to have created the mascot, and due to overwhelming positive feedback, the mascot continues to disappear and reappear. Days before the employee left the store, he passed the tradition down onto another employee (of his choice).









So what does a Doo Doo Goblin have to do with men’s urinal usage? The Doo Doo Goblin symbolizes men’s desire to be comfortable when in the bathroom. The childish drawing does not threaten those who use the restroom, rather it makes them laugh. Because of this comfort, brought about by the Doo Doo Goblin, the second stall has become the choice stall for those needing to sit and use the restroom. This kind of small, yet comforting, presence helps men feel comfortable when using the restroom.

Comfort seems to be a big issue with men’s bathroom usage. When asked why rules exist, the responses I received were all pretty similar: “for us to feel comfortable,” “I believe so people don’t get offended,” and “to help us with the awkwardness of peeing next to another man.” I think the statement that would sum the experience up best for men would be (answering, as to why we have these bathroom rules), “To preserve a sense of comfort. Everyone has to relax in order to pee, and you just can’t do that with other guys around.” So what are men so uncomfortable with?

Of the minority of responses to the question as to why we have bathroom urinal rules, a couple of people wrote, “homophobia,” and “because most men are somewhat homophobic.” This is the line most men will not utter, but lies somewhere in their subconscious, “and we can’t take any chances.” Where the missionary stories don’t seem to serve a purpose, bathroom rules seem to strike the heart of many men.

For women this may come as quite a shock. During my research, I have shared my findings with some women and have been surprised how little women know about men’s urinal rules. After informing one young woman (around 20 years of age) about the rules, she responded, “This was very educational for me, I always thought that it would suck to be a man, and have to use urinals, and confront other men there. I figured that men must just not care or be really used to it, but I learned that this isn’t so, they are self-conscious, and do care. I can understand why they have these rules, that make sense to me.” In order to make this accessible to all those (male and female) who read this, I will discuss things that may seem obvious to men.

There are two questions to ask men about bathroom usage, “Are there rules for using the men’s restroom?” and “What are three rules related to using urinals?” The questions bring back very different answers, as well as many insights into men’s bathroom usage. Between these questions I believe you have an insight into men’s psyche about the bathroom. Between the two questions you find out rules for entering, exiting, and everything in between, in a bathroom.

First, and most men would say the most important, which urinal to use. To an outsider this question may seem simple, and not worth really talking about. However, the choice for urinals predetermines your likelihood for having a successful trip to the restroom. The factors in the equation include; how many stalls, what type of stalls, stall location, other people using the stalls, and if others are using the stalls, where are the others sitting? The first thing a man will do is look to see how many urinals are in the bathroom; if there is only one urinal the decision is almost made for him. Once you find out there are multiple urinals, the real decisions begin to be made, at this time you begin taking into consideration the other factors.

When a man walks into a bathroom and sees multiple urinals, he begins going through a checklist. The first item on his checklist is, are there people around? If there are no people using urinals, men employ one of the main rules that kept showing up throughout the research; use the furthest stall from the door. Choosing the furthest stall from the door ensures a couple things: 1- your privacy is greater there than those urinals closer to the door, or sinks. 2- It gives you the maximum possible space for others to come in and use other stalls, without having to use a stall adjacent to yours. This space is very important for men. This space gives men the comfort needed to do their business.

If a man walks into the bathroom and sees multiple urinals, with others using them, another rule for comfort is implemented. As I asked Kristian Kolste, if there was anything about the topic of men’s urinals that he wanted to add. This is what he said, “it does bug me if there are three urinals, and someone picks the one next to me.” If a man walks into a restroom and sees three urinals, with someone using one, the man will start praying the other person followed the rule about using the urinal furthest from the door. If the first person has followed the rules, they will both be able to go in peace. However, if the first person is using the middle urinal, awkwardness may ensue.

My brother Dave called me and said, “Hey, I know you’ve been researching this, and I’ve got a story that happened to me on the way up on Thanksgiving. I went into the bathroom and there were like five urinals, and two guys were in urinals two and four. So instead of standing next to someone, I used a stall.” Dave followed a rule reported to me from someone he never met, Clark Larsen. Clark said, “If you have to use an adjacent urinal, to an occupied urinal, don’t. Use a stall.” It is a very commonly held belief, if your only choice is a urinal next to another man; your only real option is to use a stall. A variation on this rule is if the only urinal to use is a child’s urinal, a stall is what you should use.

Unfortunately, at one time or another, all men will have to use a urinal next to another man. At these times, the most sensitive rules are used, and if they are not used, problems could begin. It is not hard to understand why these rules would carry greater consequences. As the proximity between men decreases, so does their comfort level.

One of the ways men avoid the issue of proximity is by staying in their “own space.” When you stand at a urinal there is one thing all the men researched, would ask you to do, look forward. At the heart of men’s homophobia, in the bathroom, lies the wandering eye. An ambiguous rule men’s urinal usage is the “invisible line.” It seems that everyone knows an invisible line exists, however, where and why are topics that are not agreed upon. For many, the invisible line is the distance you stand behind someone using a urinal. Others believe, the imaginary line is the line your eyes don’t go below, or a line on either side you are not to look past. The latter seems like the more common interpretation of the rule.

No man feels comfortable in a bathroom when someone is looking around the bathroom. David Walstad states the rule this way, “Don’t look at the other person peeing next to you, like comparing sizes.” Men already feel very vulnerable, showing skin in the presence of other men, when someone takes a look, things quickly become uncomfortable. Clark Larsen said, “I’ve had someone ‘take a peek.’ There was no outward reaction (on Clark’s part), I just quickly finished and got out of there.

When these rules are broken, it seems the fight or flight response occurs every time. For some reason, the rule that seems to be broken more than any other is talking at the urinal. Old men especially, out of nowhere will just start talking to you. My brother Dave is still mad about one incident of someone talking to him at the urinal. Dave relays, “The most uncomfortable scenario I've been in was while waiting in line to use the urinal. The person ahead of me using the urinal was trying to turn his head and carry on a conversation with me while using the urinal. Total stranger. Very uncomfortable. He then stood close to me as I used it to finish the conversation. Needless to say my answers to his questions were extremely short just hoping for the whole thing to end. These experiences are not rare, and don’t always end with the person being talked to employing a flight response. My friend, Andrew, is a bouncer at the local bar. Andrew stands 6’4” and weighs in over 260 pounds. I asked Andrew if he had ever had someone next to him at a urinal break a rule, if so what did he do? Andrew related this story, “Yes, I felt weird and I said, ‘don’t you see me pissing right here?’” Needless to say, the person stopped talking, finished, and left. However, to further show the underlying cause of homophobia, most men feel like if they know the person it’s okay to continue a conversation at a urinal, it’s only if you don’t know someone well that silence is required.

These seem to be the main rules, but others exist. To try and think of rules for using a men’s bathroom, just think about would make you feel uncomfortable in a bathroom. Some rules that appeared once or twice were: Kristian Kolste said, “It bugs me when people pee from three feet back.” Calvin Kitchen said, “No foot shifting.” These lesser rules seem to reinforce the more well known rules for acting in a conservative manner.

Men have an established set of rules to allow them the comfort necessary to use the restroom publicly. No matter how the information about the rules has been disseminated, the rules seem to be universal. As Tory Schoonmaker has put it, “It’s good to see someone talk about this topic, but at the same time these rules should never be told, they are just understood.” The aspect of homophobia seems to be a root cause for the rules.